IP

In an article in this week's New Yorker, it is revealed that a hospital has patented the methods for diagnosing and treating preeclampsia, a disease affecting pregnant women. I must be stunningly naive, because people have apparently been patenting whole biological processes without my knowledge. I think that I shall retain a top-drawer IP lawyer from a white-shoe firm with tendrils into the White House, and patent breathing. I shall then require every human being to license the knowledge of how to breathe from me, a license which will cost US$15 per annum. I will then enforce my license with an army of license enforcers (an "army" for short), who will terminate people's licenses to breathe on non-receipt of payment. (Special volume licenses may be negotiated with individual countries.) People attempting to use or "share" other people's licenses to breathe will be terminated.

Assuming my patent survives the inevitable challenges, I look forward to many years of enjoying the fruits of my intellectual property.