Our Sacred Tongue

This weekend, a friend told me that English was now the national language.

I didn't think we had a national language. As I understand it, two conflicting proposals exist, one of which declares English as the national language, while the other merely attests to the importance of English. Unless I've missed something, neither one of them has been enacted by both houses of Congress. Although the former proposal obviously smacks of ein Volk/Reich/Sprache, consider the possibilities:

• An Académie Anglaise, headed by Jesse Sheidlower, to regulate the development and purity of the language.


• Fines for improper use of English, which would make up for declining Federal revenue from our years of tax cuts.


• The elevation of composition instructors to their proper rank, compensation, and stature in society.


• The creation of a cadre of language police, ending for all time the question, "Just what can you do with an English major?"


• William Safire led off in chains for impersonating a grammarian.


• The criminalization of rap lyrics.

I hope you can see the obvious benefits of English as the Only Language; phone Congress today!